Pink Phizz

Saturday, July 16, 2005

So who's the dummy

Okay, so I'm cruising around and checking out what other bloggers have to say this morning, and I finally got around to [Side note: being in the 'R's, he's a bit down the line] Random Ramblings' little literary tidbit for the day. It's funny, it's all about idiots. Anyway, his post got my little brain aworkin' and I remembered seeing this book next to Little Mama's chair:

Breastfeeding for Dummies

Let that sink in for just a moment, folks.

There is actually a BOOK out there explaining how to whip out your breast, stick it into your baby's mouth, and let him or her proceed to suckle. This book is 322 pages long (not counting the index).

Chapter 19, "Ten Breastfeeding Wives' Tales".

1) Size Is Everything:
Let me tell you something girlfriend, it doesn't matter if you qualify only for a training bra, or whether you can make Jordan look flat chested. You either can produce milk or you can't.

2) Blondes Don't Have More Fun:
Now this is about pain, your nipples, and a mouth. It hurts even to read about it.

3) Heavy Breasts Mean More Milk:
All about engorgement, etc.

4) You Can't Even Eat Anything Good:
Just live and learn; hint: worse than smelly diapers.

5) A Crying Baby Must Be Hungry:
If your baby is getting to be a real budda, you are feeding him or her too damn much.

6) Keep Your "Partner's" [I really hate that f*ckin' word] Hands Off:
So you both leak from different orfices, who really cares. Go for it guys.

7) Sour Moms Make Sour Milk:
If you are bitchy, while your milk may be considered bitchin' by your baby, the milk won't make the baby bitchy. You will.

8) Nursing Leads To Sagging:
Ah, no, that's called gettin' old.

9) Public Nursing Is Criminal:
If that's all you see going down in public, then you lead an awfully sheltered life.

10)Breastfeeding Is Birth Control:
Shock and horror. No.

There you go in a nutshell. Women for thousands upon thousands of years have been breastfeeding their babes. Can't imagine how they managed before this book came along, can you?

And yes, there is a book called, SEX for Dummies for f*cksake.


At 5:26 PM , Blogger Mike's America said...

Alice: Here's the site where I got the background texture:

It's got tons of stuff there.

This is the one I use:

At 1:19 AM , Blogger The IKON said...

My fiance and I just had our baby at the beginning of June and I am all about her breastfeeding in public. She is naturally feeding our baby when the baby needs to be fed. I go nuts if someone says anything. But I bet we could have used that book. She has fairly large breasts and it was a little hard at first.

I carry around a squirt gun so if I see any bad faces toward us, they get a good squirt. Its rather fun, and I'd like to see someone get in my face about it

At 2:30 AM , Blogger midwest_hick said...

lol......kudos!!....this one is a keeper

At 6:10 PM , Blogger Shooting Parrots said...

Can't wait for the DVD. Or maybe I can.

One of Mrs P's claims to fame is an appearance on daytime tv not long after our daughter was born. It was all about public breast feeding facilities, or lack of them.

Main culprit? Mothercare.

As for Sex for Dummies, that wasn't 'with' was it?

At 8:01 PM , Blogger "Alice" said...

I don't know, but people can't figure out how to do the rumpy pumpy all by themselves (well, not by themselves, but with each other), then they are a bunch of dummies.

At 10:37 PM , Anonymous Honest Mr hoverFrog said...

Sex for Dummies? How about Reading for Dummies or Breathing for Dummies?
Then again I am imagining those amusing cartoons on how to find the clitoris. Ha ha
OK I'll buy one.

At 11:57 PM , Blogger "Alice" said...

I figured you might.


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